(Open to Cartman's room. He has all his stuffed toys spread out.)

Cartman: (As Rumpatumpskin) He, He, he! Now I will kill the president and kill Salma Hayek! (As Polly Prissy Pants) Oh Save Me! Who will save me! (as himself dressed up as a cowboy) I will! James West! Cowboy and rapstar! Quick, Artimus Clyde Frog! We've got to save Salma Hayek! (as Clyde Frog) If we save her, I'm going to take off her pants and play slip and slide! (himself) Are you okay, Salman Hayek? (Polly Prissy Pants) Yes, but I need to get out of here and eat some tacos and buritos, migusto tacos mucho! (Rumpatumpskin) You cannot stop me, James West! (himself) Look out, Artimus Clyde Frog, its a giant metal Spider! Bang! Bang, Bang! Yo, yo, yo! Gittin jiggy with it! Bang, Bang, Bang! (Throws baseball at a stuffed spider) We saved the day! The wild wild west! The wild wild wild west! Yo wicky wicky scrag! Wicky wicky scrag!

(Mrs. Cartman enters)

Mrs. Cartman: Eric! The babysitter's here! Come on downstairs.

Cartman: But, Mom, I'm playing Wild Wild West!

Mrs. Cartman: I have to leave soon, Eric.

Cartman: But, Mom, me and Artimus Clyde Frog still have to do our last scene with Salma Hayek!

Mrs. Cartman: Come down as soon as you're done!

(Mrs. Cartman Exits)

Cartman: (raps) Well, I'm a bad assed cowboy livin in the cowboy days. Jiggy wiggy! Scratch! Yo, yo! Bang, bang! Me and Artimus Clyde Frog go and save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider. Awiggy wiggy wig wiggy wiggy wig! Black cowboy from the west side!

(Cut to Kitchen)

Mrs.Cartman: Thank you so much for babysitting little Eric, Shelly!

Shelly: Okay!

Mrs.Cartman: All his other babysitters won't come back!

Shelly: I charge five dollars for the first hour, five percent bucks every hour after that up to six hours which enters into golden time.

Mrs.Cartman: Oh, that sounds fine! I'm going to a Meteor Shower Party! The number where I'll be is on the refrigerator. Eric's snookie time is nine o'clock sharp. If his little woogums get cold, you can turn up the heat over here. And, if he gets cranky, just play tummy rub rubs with him. And make sure he wipes good after he makes bears.

Shelly: Bears?

Mrs.Cartman: Oh! And don't mind the cat! She's just being loud because she's in heat.

(Cut to Living Room)

Kitty: Meow! Meow! (louder than ususal)

Cartman: No, Kitty! I don't have anything!

Kitty: Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! (rubs against couch)

Cartman: What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop it, Kitty!

Kitty: Meow! Meow! (shows butt hole. she is obviously horny!)

Cartman: No, Kitty! That's a bad god damn Kitty! (scares Kitty off)

(Mrs. Cartman and Shelly enter)

Mrs. Cartman: Okay, muffin! Mommy's leaving now! You do what the babysitter tells you! Okay?

Cartman: Uh huh!

Mrs. Cartman: Be good!

Cartman: Right!

Mrs. Cartman: Come give Mommy eskimo kisses!

Cartman: Aww, Mom!

Mrs. Cartman: Eskimo kisses for Mommy!

Cartman: Jesus Christ! (Rubs noses with Mrs. Cartman)

Mrs. Cartman: Bye, kids!

(Mrs. Cartman leaves)

Cartman: Well, go put that pizza in the oven, bitch! I'm hungry! (Shelly slugs him against the wall) Ow!

Shelly: Alright, turd! Listen up! Now that your mom is gone, I'm in charge! I don't know how you treat your other babysitters, but when I'm babysitting, you're nothing but a little turd! You're a stinky, dried-up, stupid turd! Got it?!

Cartman: You can't hit me! Didn't you see those ninety videos on tv? (Shelly slugs him against the wall again)

Shelly: My boyfriend is comming over! So, you go to the kitchen and you make us that pizza before I snap you in half like the little turd stick you are.

Cartman: You're not allowed to have people over.

Shelly: (snatches the tv remote control from Cartman's hand) Move!

(Cut to Kitchen)

Cartman: This is bull crap! (tries to reach the top of the freezer. to Shelly) I can't reach the freezer!

Shelly: (from living room) Figure it out, turd!

Cartman: God Dammit!

(Cartman leaves and comes back with a chair on which he climbs to reach the freezer. Kitty enters)

Kitty: (still horny) Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

Cartman: Shut up, Kitty! (Takes Mrs. Cartman's note from the freezer and reads) Any problems, contact Eric's Mommy at 303...Aha! (Goes over to the phone) I'm gonna call Mom and tell her that the babysitter's having her boyfriend come over, then we'll see who's the turd. (Picks up phone, but hears Shelly's voice)

Shelly: (On phone) So, I said, you're a little turd! And he...(Cartman Hangs Up)

Cartman: Dammit!

Kitty: Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

(Cartman picks up the phone again)

Shelly: (On phone) But, if you've seen one turd, you've seen them all. (Cartman Hangs Up)

Kitty: Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

(Cartman picks up the phone again)

Shelly: (On phone) Stupid turd! For once...

Cartman: (Speaking into the phone) Hey! I need to use the phone!

Shelly: (On phone) Oh, hold on a second, Gary!

(Shelly enters and pulls Cartman's underwear over his head)

Cartman: Yikes! Ahh! My ass! Ow!

(Shelly exits back to the living room where she picks up the phone again)

Shelly: (On phone) I pulled his underwear over his head! (Cartman hangs up)

Kitty: Meow! Meow!

Cartman: I'm gonna get her, Kitty! Mark my words!

Kitty: Meow! Meow!

Cartman: Shut the hell up, Kitty!

(Cut to Living Room. Later)

TV Anouncer: And now, back to the movie of the week. Aliens.

Little Girl on TV: They mostly come at night! Mostly!

Cartman: They mostly come at night! Mostly!

(Shelly enters and snatches the remote control from Cartman and pushes him off the couch)

Cartman: Hey! I was watching aliens on TV!

Shelly: Well, I'm watching Friends, turd!

(Doorbell rings)

Shelly: That's my boyfriend! Go answer the door while I make sure I don't have food in my braces!

(Cartman opens the door and meets Styler)

Styler: Hey, is Shelly around?

Cartman: Who the hell are you?

Styler: I'm the guy who's gonna put a boot up your ass if you don't tell me where Shelly is!

Shelly: Hey, Styler!

Cartman: You know this guy?

Shelly: He's my boyfriend!

Cartman: Christ, he's like fifty years old!

Shelly: He's twenty-two!

Cartman: Dude! That's not cool!

Shelly: You're a turd! You're the turd man of Alcatraz!

Styler: Heh! Yeah, ha!

Cartman: Dude, when my mom finds out that my babysitters had thier boyfriends over, she mostly gets really mad! Mostly!

(Styler closes the door and pulls Cartman's underwear over his head)

Cartman: Yieaa! Rrrrg! Ah, goddammit!

Shelly: Turd weggie! Come in the kitchen, Styler! There's a refreshment! (Shelly and Styler exit. Kitty is watching TV)

TV Announcer: And now back to Wild Animal World.

TV Host: Here in the more airid regions of Africa, the Gold Colt Lions are in the throwse of mating season. The male lion positions himself behind the female and prepares to insert his lionhood. Notice his large swolen balls.

Kitty: Meow! Meow! Meow! (getting hornier)

TV Host: The female relaxes her body and says hello to Mr. Winkie.

Kitty: Meow! Meow! Meow! (hornier!)

TV Host: The male lion is inticed by the females subtle breasts and firm back side.

Kitty: MEOW! (even hornier!!)

TV Host: Quickly and suddenly, the male is finished. Now, he want's to be alone, so he kindly asks the female to leave. He promises he'll call her tomorrow. But the female doesn't leave, Nope! She's moving right in! Looks like the male lion is screwed!

Kitty: MEOW! MEOW! (super horny!!!)

(Cut to Kitchen)

(Shelly and Styler are eating pizza. Styler tries to put the move on Shelly, but Shelly pushes away.)

Shelly: No, Styler! Quit it!

Styler: C'mon, babe! How long have we known each other?

Shelly: Eight days tomorrow!

Styler: And, I still don't get any action!

Shelly: I don't know, Styler! It's just kind of strange to me that you're twenty-two and all.

Styler: But, I'm still in High School! I told you I'm a very immature twenty-two year old!

Shelly: Well, maybe just one kiss!

(They kiss)

Styler: Mmmm!

Cartman: (enters) Hey! What're you doing?!

Styler: Beat it, chubby!

Shelly: Go on, astro turd!

(They kiss some more)

Styler: Mmmm!

Cartman: I'm gonna tell my mom on you!

Shelly: Turd rock from the sun!

Cartman: Hey! You ate all the pizza!

Shelly: We left you some crusts! (throws crusts at Cartman)

Cartman: That does it! (Shows phone note) I'm calling my mom right now and busting your ass!

Shelly: (Snatches the note from Cartman and punches Cartman against the wall) Guess again, Richard the turd!

Cartman: Gimmie that phone number!

Styler: C'mon babe! Let's go to the living room. (exits with Shelly)

Cartman: I am not gonna be bossed around by a chick! Maybe I'll just use my Wild Wild West techniques and get proof that Shelly had a boyfriend over.

Kitty: (enters) Meow! (still horny)

Cartman: Goddammit, Kitty! You have to calm down! Here, I'll get you some catnip! (opens cupboard under sink)

Kitty: Meow!

Cartman: Okay! Okay! Hold on! Find the catnip! (finds it and gives some to Kitty)

Kitty: (goes wild from the catnip. Hits the sink, hits the ceiling, and breaks dishes everywhere.) Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

(Cut to livingroom. Styler is playing his guitar)

Styler: Rafp Rugnaf fills muh ahsi SOE! Demons from hell seek the chosen one!

Shelly: You're such an amazing poet, Styler!

Styler: Isn't this guitar awsome? It's the best of its kind! And not a scratch on it! (tries to embrace Shelly)

Shelly: Styler, not here!

Styler: I can't help it! I see your pretty lips and I want to kiss them!

Shelly: (slobers with braces) Really?

Styler: I cherish you, almost as much as I cherish my guitar!

Shelly: Wow!

Styler: When I make it to the big time, I'm gonna take you shopping and buy you lots of bad ass stuff!

Shelly: Oh, Styler! I love you!

Styler: Mmmm!

(They kiss and Cartman snaps a picture of them)

Shelly: What the...!?

Cartman: Aha! So right you are! Looks like you're the turd now!

Shelly: Gimmie that picture!

Cartman: Ahh! (Shelly chases him up the stairs. Shelly grabs one of Cartman's legs, but he kicks her in the head. Cartman is chased into his room. He manages to close the door on her.)

(Cut to Cartman's room)

Shelly: Open this door, turd...ledove!

Cartman: I think not! I'm gonna show this picture to my mom when she gets home!

Shelly: You're mom doesn't get home for three more hours! That's pleanty of time for me to make a turd sandwich out of you!

(Cut to Cartman's room. Shelly knocks three more times.)

Shelly: Gimmie that picture, turd!

Cartman: You're never gonna get this picture! Not until my mom comes home and I can prove you had a boyfriend over hnya!

Shelly: I'm gonna bust this door down! (pounds the door really hard)

Kitty: Meow! Meow! (Shelly continues to pound the door)

Cartman: What shall we do, Artimus Clyde Frog? (As Clyde Frog) We've got to get that picture to your mom so that she can come home and save us! (as himself) Oh! That's quick thinking, Artimus Clyde Frog! (to Kitty) Listen very carefully, Mr. Kitty! I am putting this picture of the baby sitter and her boyfriend on your collar. (attaches photograph to Kitty's collar) You have to take this picture to Mommy, Kitty, so that she can come home and and save me. (open's window) Now, run, Kitty! Take the picture to Mommy, and lead her back here! When you return, be sure you bring Mom into the back yard! Hurry, Kitty! You're my only hope! (Kitty runs out the window. We can now see the whole front of the house with Cartman's head in his window) That's it! (Kitty jumps to the garage roof) That's it, little Kitty! (Kitty jumps onto the garbage can and then onto the ground and to the front door)

Kitty: Mew! Mew! (Shelly opens the front door, carries Kitty inside and shuts the door)

Cartman: Aw! God dammit!

(Cut to Living Room as Shelly is carrying the cat inside. She takes the photograph. The doorbell rings)

Shelly: Who is that?

Styler: Oh! I invited the guys in the band over so that we can practice.

Shelly: Styler! You're band can't practice here!

Styler: Hey! Do you want me to make it or not! Don't stand between me and my dreams, babe! (Styler opens the door and lets in Mark and Joansy) 'Sup, Mark! 'Sup, Joansy!

Shelly: Just keep the volume down! I have to go deal with turd boy! (she exits)

(Cut to Cartman's Room. Shelly knocks)

Cartman: Hey! Who was that? Who came to the door?

Shelly: Eric! You're Mom's been in an accident!

Cartman: You just want me to open the door!

Shelly: We need to run over to the hospital and identify her body! We'll be right back!

Cartman: What?! Is she okay?

Shelly: Not really! She's dead!

Cartman: Huh?! (opens the door. Shelly enters)

Shelly: Ha, ha! That was a turd trick! You're Mom isn't really dead!

Cartman: Ha, ha! I knew it was a turd trick and I opened the door because Mr. Kitty is on his way right now to my Mom's party with the picture!

Shelly: Ha, ha! I knew you set the cat! And that's why I went outside and got him! (Shows the photograph)

Cartman: Ha, ha! I saw you get the picture back from Mr. Kitty, and that's why I wrote a letter to the press to be opened in case of my demise! So, should anything happen to me, that letter will go out so that you will never find it!

Shelly: You mean this one?! (Walks to Cartman's dresser and picks up the letter)

Cartman: Okay! Let's see, now! Ha, ha! Huh! Aw, dammit! (Shelly pulls his underwear over his head) Ahh! (Shelly drags him out of the room)

(Cut to Stairs and Living Room)

(Shelly drags him out down the stairs and into the living room where Styler, Mark, and Joansy have their band all set up. Styler on Guitar, Mark on drums, and Joansy on bass)

Cartman: Ih, eh! Eh! Eh! Eh! Eh!

Styler: Okay! Check! Check! Check one! Two! Check! (Shelly hangs cartman on a coattree next to the band)

Cartman: Ih, eh!

Styler: Okay, ready? Alright, let's try the new song! This is a song I wrote for you, Shelly! One! Two! Onetwothreefour! (The band plays a heavy metal tune. Styler sings) When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelly! Shelly!

Cartman: Aw, man! You guys suck!

Styler: (Continues to sing) Now that we're together, I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelly! Shelly!

Cartman: You're the crappiest band I've ever heard!

Styler: (Continues to sing) Move into my Mom's house with me Shelly! Shelly!

(Cut to outside of the house with Kitty looking out of Cartman's window. Music is still heard.)

Kitty: (calling out. must be a mating call) Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow! Meow!

Other Cat: (out of view) Meow! Meow!

Kitty: Meow!

Other Cat: (out of view) Meow!

(Kitty opens the window fully and escapes to search for this Other Cat)

(Cut to Living Room with the band still playing the song and Cartman still on the coattree)

Styler: Bridge! (The band changes tune. Styler sings) I pledge alligance...to the flag...of the United States...of ShellyShelly! (band changes back to original tune)

Cartman: Oh, my God! Somebody shoot me in the head!

Styler: Hey! Shut up, tubby!

Cartman: Don't call me fat! Now, you guys are not supposed to be in hnya! You get out now and respect my athoritah! (Shelly slings him against the ceiling on the coattree) Ow! (Cartman falls off the coattree and pickpockets the phone number note from Shelly)

(Cut to Streets of South Park)

Kitty: Meow! (still looking for that Other Cat)

Other Cat: (out of view) Meow!

Kitty: Meow!

Other Cat: (out of view) Meow!

Kitty: Meow!

Other Cat: (out of view) Meow!

Kitty: Meow! (looks in a dark ally and finally sees this Other Cat.)

Other Cat: (Incredibly FAT!!!) Meow! Meow! Meowww! (Kitty looks amazed and surprised)

(Cut to Living room with band)

Styler: Yeah, Dude! That was hot! This guitar rocks, Man! It rocks! What do you think, Shelly?

Shelly: Honestly? I think you guys need some work.

Mark: Oh, really!

Shelly: I just think you're sound is kind of...last week.

Joansy: Well, I'd like to see you do any better, bitch!

Shelly: Well, I do have a song I wrote!

Styler: Okay, why don't you sing it for us?

Shelly: No, Styler! I'm embarrassed!

Styler: Hey, Man! Don't be shy!

Shelly: Well, okay! (slobers) I'll try! But I'm not promising anything! (Hands each band member the sheet music. Styler is now playing a synthesizer) One, two, three, four! (the band plays the music as Shelly sings) So much pain in the world today! Too many turds are headin my way! But, we can vex the turds together! Passing by turds whenever!

Styler: (Singing bass) Don't you know it's a...

Shelly: Life so void of happiness! Feel free to mark my words. But, me and you where my love grew, in a world that's full of turds!

Shelly and Styler: Turds!

Shelly: Momma doesn't speak! They're lovin turds!

Shelly and Styler: Turds!

(Cut to Cartman's room. Music still playing)

Cartman: (talking on the phone) Mom! The babysitter has her boyfriend over!

Mrs. Cartman: (on phone) Oh, no, no, no! (Cut to party) That's impossible, hon! I told her no visitors!

Cartman: (Cut to Cartman's room) Well, there's a whole crappy band here! Can you hear them? (points the phone to the air) Here, can you hear them?

Mrs. Cartman: This party is very (cut to party) loud, poopykins! You'll have to speak up!

Cartman: (Cut to Cartman's room) Dammit! Her boyfriend is here! Don't you believe me?

Mrs. Cartman: (Cut to party) Not really, hon! (she sees Mr. Mackey approaching) Mom has to go now! I'll be home in about an hour! (Cut to Cartman's room) Oh! Oh, Mr. Mackey!

Mr. Mackey: (over phone) Hm, hm! Hm, hm! Mkay!?

Cartman: (Hangs up) I'll never be able to prove that sonofabitch was here! (Sees his tape recorder which resembles the Snaky Cakes Bear) My Speak-N-Record Bear! Of Course! (Gets it)

(Cut to Living Room. Music still playing)

Shelly: (Still singing) In a world that's full of turds! Turds! (Music Stops)

Mark: Dude, this is gay!

Styler: Shut up!

Mark: You shut up! Your girlfriend is not joining our band!

Jonsey: Yeah, dude! What the hell's wrong with you anyway? She's like twelve!

Styler: You guys get out! Don't question my love! My love is as pure as morning snow! Get out, I said! (Mark and Jonsey leave)

(Cut to dark alley with Kitty and the Other Cat)

Kitty: Meow! (Shows her rear end. The Other Cat , who is increadibly fat, leaps upon Kitty and she can't breath) Mmmmmmph! Mmmmmmmph! Mmmmph!

Other Cat: Meow? (Kitty escapes)

Kitty: Meow! (lies on her back. Other Cat mounts her again) Mmmmmmph!

Other Cat: Meow? (Kitty escapes)

Kitty: Miiiiiew! (in disgust. Other Cat falls asleep) Meeew! (disappointed) Oh, Meeew!

(Cut to Cartman's room)

Cartman: (Speaking into his tape recorder) Testing! Testing! One, two! (stops and plays back tape)

Tape: Testing! Testing! One, two! (Cartman stops tape)

Cartman: Sweet!

(Shelly enters. Cartman hides tape recorder behind his back)

Shelly: Were gonna go outside to watch a meteor shower! I'm locking you in your room 'till we get back in, turd!

Cartman: Okay! See you in a while!

Shelly: What?!

Cartman: Will you tell me what it looked like? The meteor shower? They mostly only come every few years! Mostly!

Shelly: What the hell is wrong with you? How come you're not yelling and whining?

Cartman: Well, I just...I kind of like having you around!

Shelly: What?! No, you don't!

Cartman: No! I'm seriously! See, I never had a brother or sister. I think people that have a brother or sister don't realize how lucky they are! Sure they fight a lot! But to know that there's always somebody there, somebody that's family, I wonder if...well...maybe sometimes, I can pretend like you're my big sister. A...a...and, you can kind of watch over me. You know! Like we could watch a meteor shower together sometime! And I can pretend I'm somebody's brother! If only for a day.

Shelly: (thinks a while) Alright! Get your turd coat! You can come see the meteor shower with us!

Cartman: Y...you mean it?

Shelly: But, don't bug me and Styler! C'mon!

Cartman: Hooray!

(Shelly exits)

Cartman: Yes! I'm gonna have you and you're boyfriend's voices on my speak-n-record bear! And then you'll mostly never babysit me again! Mostly! (Hides his tape recorder in his coat)

(Cut to Back Yard. Cartman's tape recorder is recording from within his coat)

Cartman: (aloud) Yes, yes! What a beautiful night! It is Saturday the twelveth at 10:45 and my mother is away at a party right now!

Shelly: Shut up, turd!

Cartman: That, of course, is the voice of my babysitter, Shelly Marsh, age twelve.

Shelly: What're you doing?

Cartman: I'm just thinking out loud! Do you have anything to say, Styler, Shelly's boyfriend who is sitting right hnya? (Styler doesn't speak)

Shelly: Go away, turd!

Cartman: I'm sorry! Did you say something, Styler? (Styler still remains silent and elbows Cartman off the bench) Agh!

(Cut to Streets of South Park)

(Kitty meets up with a whole Gang of Cats)

Gang of Cats: Prrr! Meow! Prrr! Meow! Prrr! Meow! Prrr! Meow! (Kitty approaches Gang of Cats, shows rear end, and the Gang of Cats leaps upon her) MeowMeowMeow!

(Cut to Backyard. The meteor shower is going on. The tape recorder is still running. And Styler is trying to make out with Shelly)

Styler: Yeah! C'mon! Give it up!

Shelly: No!

Styler: Give it up, babe!

Shelly: NO!

Styler: C'mon, baby!

Shelly: (pushes Styler away) No, Styler! I'm not putting out for you!

Styler: Why the hell not?!

Shelly: 'Cause I'm twelve!

Styler: You're not gonna put out for me?

Shelly: No!

Styler: Well, then screw you, bitch! I've got pleanty of other girlfriends that will!

Shelly: What? But, I thought you liked me!

Styler: If you're not putting out, then I'm moving on! There's pleanty of chicks like you out there! Screw you, prude bitch! Me and my bad ass guitar are going home! Hasta! (he leaves. Cartman stops the tape)

Cartman: Gotcha!

(Styler drives away in his van)

(Cut to Living room. Shelly is crying)

Cartman: (enters) Oh yeah! Oh yeah! Awicky wicky Wild West! Shelly, guess who's busted! (Shelly's still crying) Hey! I said guess who's busted! (Shelly's still crying) You're not gonna trick me! I go the goods on you!

Shelly: I don't care! He acted like he really liked me! Nobody's ever liked me before! (Shelly's still crying) I can't believe I trusted him! I'm so stupid!

Cartman: But, Jesus! He's twenty-two! What were you doing with him anyways?

Shelly: Nobody my age will go out with me because I'm too ugly!

Cartman: You're not ugly!

Shelly: You don't think so?

Cartman: Well, you're pretty ugly, but you don't have to be dating twenty-two year olds! I mean, what kind of scumbag asshole dates twelve year old girls?

Shelly: You're right! He is a scumbag! I wish I can get him back! I just don't know how!

Cartman: Well, I could ask Artimus Clyde Frog. He would know!

Shelly: Huh?!

Cartman: If you want, I could help you!

Shelly: Really?! You would do that?

Cartman: Just let me get my cowboy hat.

(Cut to Later, outside Cartman's house, while Cartman and Shelly are out of the house to get back at Styler)

(Kitty enters, opens the door and goes inside)

(Cut to Living Room)

Kitty: (enters) Meow! Meow! (discovers nobody's home) Meow!

Gang of Cats: (enters) Mrow! Meow! Mrow! (Kitty turns on the stereo system to some Hip Hop) Mrow! Meow! Mrow! (More cat enter)

Kitty: Meow! (shows her rear to them)

(Cut to Styler's house. He's sitting on the couch playing his guitar. There's a knock on the door. Styler opens it only to see Clyde Frog lying on the front porch)

Styler: What the hell is this?!

Cartman: (on tape, unseen, as Polly Prissy Pants) Help me! Help me! This is Salma Hayek! Is anybody there?

Styler: Salma Hayek? Whoa! She's hot! (looks toward the Evergreen Woods and exits heading there. Cartman enters dressed up as James West again)

Cartman: Okay! It's clear! (Shelly enters)

(Cut to Evergreen Woods)

Cartman: (on tape, unseen, as Polly Prissy Pants) Over here! Please! Come quick!

(Cut to Styler's house)

Cartman: (Outside) We don't have much time!

Shelly: (Inside. Starting to set up something) This won't take me long!

(Cut to Cartman's House. Music still playing and the cat orgy is still going on)

Gang of Cats: Meow! Meow! Meow! (Cat all over the couch and pictures and cross have fallen. Kitty enters the house with some catnip) Meow! Meow! Meow! (Kitty spills the catnip) Screeeetch! (All the cats go after the catnip. all over the place, cats are making out with each other and snorting catnip like they were snorting cocaine. A couple of cats approach Kitty.)

Kitty: (Shows her rear end) Meow!

(Cut to Styler's house)

Cartman: (Outside) Hurry up in there!

Shelly: (Inside. setting up something) I'm almost done!

(Cut to Evergreen Woods)

Styler: Hello! Hello, Mrs. Hayek!

Cartman: (on tape, unseen, as Polly Prissy Pants) Over here! Please! Hump me! I am lost and I have no clothes!

Styler: No clothes! Rad!

(Cut to inside Styler's house where Shelly is setting up something)

(Cut to Evergreen Woods)

Cartman: (on tape, unseen, as Polly Prissy Pants) I'm over here! Please, hump me! I will reward you greatly!

Styler: I'm right here Miss Hayek!

Cartman: (On tape, unseen, as Polly Prissy Pants) Please hump me!

Styler: (Finds Cartman's speak-n-record bear and Polly Prissy Pants) What the...!?

Cartman: (On tape as Polly Prissy Pants) Please, hump me! I will give you tacos!

Styler: Dude! Somebody tricked me! I'll make you pay for making me come out here, Goddammit!

(Styler goes back home)

Styler: Stupid assed stuffed animals trying to ruin my night! Heh!! (He discovers his guitar broken in a kitty's litter box with the inscription "King Turd") My guitar! NOOOOOOOOO!

(Cut to Cartman's house. Shelly and Cartman are back home)

Cartman: That was so cool! I wish we could've seen his face!

Shelly: Thanks for all your help, Eric! You know, as far as turds go, you're okay!

(They enter the house and discover the Cat Orgy. Hip Hop still playing)

Cartman: Oh, my God!

(The house is a mess and cats are humping each other all around)

Shelly: There having a cat orgy!

Cartman: You are all very bad kitties! That is a bad, bad kitties!

Shelly: Your Mom's gonna be home soon! We're gonna get in busted!

Cartman: (pickes up the box of catnip) Come on, kitties! Outside! C'mon! (lures all the cats to the door with the catnip as bait) That's it! C'mon! C'mon! (Opens the door and Styler is there) Uh oh!

Styler: You two ruined my carreer! I'm gonna get you! (Cartman throws the box of catnip at Styler which explodes thus covering Styler with catnip) Hm!

All Cats: Mreow! (attack Styler!)

Styler: (moving outside. covered in Cats) Ah! Aaah! Ah! Aaah! What're you doing?! Ah! Oh! You riped my pants off! Oh, my God! Oh, naughty cats! (he leaves)

Shelly: C'mon! We gotta get the house clean before you're mom gets home! You know, Eric, It's kind of cool that two people who hated each other can be friends!

Cartman: Yeah! I think we get along okay!

(Mrs. Cartman enters)

Mrs. Cartman: Hi, kids! I'm home!

Cartman: Heh! (he and Shelly discover two cats still humping Kitty) Mom! I can explain! It was all Shelly's fault! She didn't watch the cat!

Shelly: No! It was Eric's fault! He let these cats in here!

Mrs. Cartman: Ooo! What a party that was! (hums a tune. waddles to the couch and colapses)

Shelly: Wow! She passed out!

Cartman: Lucky for us my Mom's a total lush!

Shelly: Well, let's clean up the house! Looks like everything turned out okay!

Cartman: That's how it goes in the Wild Wild West! (Raps into closing credits) Well, I'm a bad assed cowboy living in the cowboy days. Jiggy wiggy! Scratch! Yo, yo! Bang, bang! Me and Artimus Clyde Frog go and save Salma Hayek from the big metal spider. Awiggy wiggy wig wiggy wiggy wig! Black cowboy from the west side! (woo! woo!) Wiggy wiggy Scratch! Yo, yo! Bang, bang! Me and Artimus Clyde Frog go and save Salma from Polly Prissy Pants goin down to...where...Rumpatumpskin...

Shelly: He, he, he, he!

Transcribed by Lee Estall (lee.estall@home.com)